tomorrow

marks a big day in the current life of Tess.  Tomorrow, one year ago, I started my job in Maryland.  The job itself is not the big deal (I love my job and could not have asked for a better start to my long career).   but what had to come with the job.  I became an adult; not in the literal sense, that was 8 years ago (now 9...ouch!) but in the you-have-to-grow-up-whether-you-like-it-or-not sense.  Gone were the days of Tuesday afternoon coffee dates with friends, and long gone the days of bike riding around the vast world of my childhood neighborhood.  "So long Texas" she said, naively.  You see, up until this time I was only in Maryland temporarily.  It is easy to say that I will go somewhere for a specified time but the path I never stepped upon was the one right in front of me; the one without an end visible.  This year has been one of many insights and trials and triumphs.  Learning how to navigate my way here, both literally and figuratively.  Many great restaurants, a few good friends, and a strong, refreshing church are a few from the list of things I'm so very thankful for.  But many things still make me stop and think: where is my place?  who are my people?  [Happy] One Year.  The second will be full of surprises, I'm sure.

to live by

I can't believe that I'm writing a second blog entry in one day after the 10 month hiatus I have been on. Recently I have had some discussions bucket lists. I have heard all kinds of reasons for and against have them. I want you to know that I have one and I'm NOT going to share the specifics, but I was asked to share this portion with someone the other day. The first 17 items on my "bucket list" are a portion that I call "to live by". This section includes ideals that are completely feasible daily and I think will prove to be more fulfilling than any combination of bucket list items. I know you have seen some or all of them but I wanted to put them out there. Nothing too complicated; here they are:

1. Love God; Treasure the Spirit; Follow Christ.
2. Don't take yourself too seriously.
3. Don't be afraid to say no (or yes).
4. Pray about everything.
5. Make others first; you second.
6. Never lack a generous heart.
7. Be grateful in all situations.
8. Say "thank you".
9. Apologize and Forget.
10. Say "I love you".
11. See the best in people.
12. Make an impact.
13. Never stop learning.
14. Speak your feelings.
15. Hurt for the lost.
16. Do what is right not what is easy.
17. Take chances.

Your accountability starts now!!

almost ten months

of being in Baltimore and sharing with the world the ponderings of Tess. I'll try to categorize my thoughts but I apologize now for the ramblings:

realizations:

• I love my family and miss them very much
• God's people are everywhere
• Joy is a choice not a feeling
• I'm horrible at expressing my feelings; especially on the phone
• I'm more of a people pleaser that I thought. (see desires)

happenings:

• I'm living in my 3rd house in Baltimore since being here....Pigtown to Patterson Park to Upper Fells Point
• I got a full-time job at McCormick as a Sensory Analyst
• 5th roommate reunion (down-stairs only) in Baltimore!

desires:

• I want to be less of people pleaser and more of a God pleaser
• A place to serve. Not just a place that is easy but a place that I am called to and gifted for
• A "target" friend
• Have a better wine pallet
• Go hiking/biking more frequently (sub-desire - to get my tube repaired so I can bike)
• Be diligent at writing this blog
• Go sailing/take sailing lessons
• Get a tan; have buff arms; just seeing if you are still reading but really....

Would love to talk about mores; give me a call. Only two months and five days until one year in MD.

living in a new place

Baltimore is an interesting place. Here are a few things that I've learned my short time here and some answers to some frequently asked questions:

1. The people are FANTASTIC! You hear all those things about East Coast people being inconsiderate and rude, but not here in Bawlmer, Hon.

2. Which leads me to the next thing: apparently locals call this place Bawl-mer. I thought removing syllables from words was an east Texas thing but I was sorely mistaken.

3. And another east Texas reminder is calling everyone Hon - short for Honey. I haven't actually encountered this but I've heard about it. There is a restaurant and festival with the name-sake, Cafe Hon (http://www.cafehon.com/) and Hon Fest (http://www.honfest.net/). Celebrating big-hair, blue eyeshadow, and crazy accents and phrases like J'eet? (a.k.a. did you eat?). Really, Bawlmer is not much different than Texas.

4. I wish that GoogleMaps supported an avoid shady areas feature like they have an avoid toll roads feature. Luckily this has only happened during the day and while I was in a car but I have a felling I will be encountering many more shady areas before too long.

5. No, I haven't seen The Wire. But I will after I have lived here a little longer.

6. I haven't seen Duff Goldman (but really I want to meet Jeff) or Michael Phelps but I'll let you know when it happens. I plan on playing it real cool and make friends rather than ask for a picture...yeah right, I'll do both!

7. I have to make some friends so I can go try the ever increasing list of restaurants.

8. And that leads me to my last note: I'm trying a church tomorrow. It's a little further away that I had hoped but I have to start somewhere.

That's it for now. More to come.

adventures

Tomorrow marks the day in which I will start a new adventure. I'm officially moving to Baltimore. Though I don't know how long I will call Charm City my home, I'm moving. The car is packed, I have a riding buddy (one of my best friends from college, Jen), and have had the last night with my parents. We went to dinner (seafood was not such a good idea) and and movie - Julie & Julia. I guess it was fitting for the foodie that I am. It was such a blessing. I know it is weird to say that a movie about two people that I have never met was a blessing but it was. I have not laughed nor cried that much in months. I think this was mainly to do with the two main characters (I'm going to try to explain without giving away the movie...this may prove difficult). They both moved at the beginning of the movie - something I'm about the embark on. They both have friends and family that support them - people that I often take for granted. And they both want to feel like they have accomplished great in their lives - don't we all? Through adversity and commitment and challenges and pain and determination, they both overcame obstacles of worthiness (and self-doubt to do something for themselves while touching others along the way. pray that I do this as well and to not give up when it isn't in my timeline.

So, my new adventure starts tomorrow. A 10 hour drive to Nashville. Here's to many others to follow. Bon Appetite.

pepto please

Today marks exactly one month until I have scheduled to leave for Baltimore. I'm nervous as hell yet extremely excited at the same time. I know I have been at that place before but this one seems different. I'm going alone. I don't have a place to reside as of now. I haven't finished grad school. I don't know what to do anymore. I see myself doing the thing I hate the most in unfamiliar situations: shutting down. Relying on my own strength to get through it. Dragging myself along when I know will all my heart that God will gently carry me - I just can't figure out how to tell my mind that bit of news. I will continue praying that God will provide and that I will trust much better than I do....and drinking the pepto to keep the nausea at bay.

more of the same

I know, two in one hour. I can find anything to aid in my procrastination of doing just about anything. I clean, check my e-mail, Facebook, write this blog, run "errands". So here goes...

I'm trying to find a place to live come August when I move to Baltimore for a few months, be proactive if you will. By the way, if you haven't heard, I have an internship there. I know that I don't need to find anything for a while but I still can't help looking. I'm excited but nervous, too. I know it is only for 6 months but I've done very few things completely on my own. When I get nervous though, I have find something for my idol hands. I've been looking at Craigslist to get an idea for housing while there which makes me almost hyperventilate. Why would anyone enjoy searching for things on that website?

So, the control freak stops looking at Craigslist; gives life back to the procrastinator. The vicious cycle continues.

control freak

It's official. I'm finally admitting to being a control freak to the whole world but more importantly, to myself. I came to this understanding while in Colorado for a wedding. I love these two so much and I'm so happy that I got to spend the day with them! [Warning: if you were there, you might not want to read the following!]

However, the days after were not such a good time for me. Having the back-drop of CO helped. But, where no cell service meets 15+ people meets doing things together results in complete stress. I like to work on a time schedule and when others do not abide by that time scheduled, I'm not necessary the most fun to be around. Actually, I'm down-right rude, mean, and disrespectful. When we decide on leaving at 1:30, it means leaving at 1:30, not 1:33! Meeting at 9:00, means we are meeting at 9:00, not 9:20. I understand some amount of flexibility is needed in life. I'm Gumby when it comes to changing plans and doing something different. Just tell me; call me. When you are working on someone else's schedule (i.e. a wedding), you can't just show up late (well, maybe you can but you shouldn't). I guess the point in writing this entry is to say it's not you, it's me. I know that. But, please understand when I'm not happy when you show-up late. Please understand when I want you to commit to something. Please understand when I'm not enjoying myself after something above has happened.

I know I should have separated myself from the group this weekend but love being around others. I enjoy those conversations that just come up. We all have weaknesses that Christ magically works through us (Thankfully!). Just understand this is mine. Yours may be having no sense of organization. I try to be flexible with you, now will you please try to be flexible with me? This is a two way street and I'm not the only one who always has to compromise my personality to be apart of a group.

stagnancy

A friend and I were talking the other day about our lives. This was what came of that conversation:

Think about a stagnant pond. It is covered in slim and algae, fish don't survive, bacteria grows wild, animals can't drink out of it, and people can't swim it it (well, at least not the smart ones). It is useless. It is gross. But, with a fresh water source, even just a trickle, the introduction of movement and turnover can revitalize a pond.

That stagnant pond has become my life. I do the same things. I have no fresh water. Things are starting to die inside of me. I'm unpleasant to be around. I WANT some fresh water. I WANT someone to throw a rock in to move an motivate me. I WANT something new. I WANT to feel like I have purpose in this life. God, I NEED You to move; please show me Your grace and fill me with fresh water that only comes from You!

success:

What does success look like? Is it in:

The number of degrees I have?
The amount of letters that follow my name?
Being married?
Having kids?
The size of my paycheck?
Purchasing a house?
A job that others think is "cool"?
Having a new car?

I know that others have said it is cliche but these are what the world views as success. Not to say that any or all of these are bad on their own. Actually, they are wonderful. But maybe instead of looking at the end, maybe the process in getting there should hold more valuable. For example: it wasn't receiving the degree that was so great, it was the wonderful people and experiences that I had on the way.

The things and people that come along that we get to tell stories about are what make a life successful. Sharing memories, sharing life. What I accomplish in life pales in comparison to the journey I get to take to get there. The highlights are not nearly as important as the writing that is underneath. What will those words under the yellow be? What comprises my story?

mom's surprise 50th birthday party...going on a road trip with no plans...the third annual roommate reunion...sitting at a coffee shop contemplating these very things...being at home reading a book...watching an old movie...enjoying a picnic...

Those are the things I want to remember. The culmination of which I want to call success in my life.

when to cry

Today while talking with a couple of friends, some tears started to well in my eyes - finally. I apologized for this, why? I don't know. One friend gave me a huge hug and said that if this [group of close church friends] isn't a safe place to cry, no where is. That is such a true statement. I think that I have become so overwhelmed with keeping it all together that I have lost the way that I really feel. I have lost the ability to cry about my own life, though still managing to produce tears at things on TV or in a movie. I have become callused to the way that I really feel and don't understand what those feelings are.

I could use a good cry, if anything to allow me to experience some emotions. But I feel like Cameron Diaz's character in The Holiday. The one that tries to cry but can't - even when I know it might just help - instead I settle with being "fine" and "good". It may not make since but I need to embrace what I am feeling in order to give it to God....for only He knows the plans for me and the timing in which it will occur. I pray for tears and encouragement through this tiresome process that I embarked on eight months ago.

pop quiz anyone?

Today someone said the following:

"Think of life as a series of pop quizzes where God is asking 'you gonna trust Me now?'".

I would like to think I'm ready for that question when it comes around. However, looking back over the last few months (and even further through my life) maybe I need to think again. I think most of the time I have the best intentions to trust His plan. I know that is what IS best for me but really I wish I could have what I want, on my timeline. I have to relinquish my controlling nature to Him. Give Him the reigns to my life and my career. And remember....

He will provide, He will be faithful, He knows what is best! Now to that pop quiz...

just start writing...

I created this a couple of weeks ago and could never really decided what to write. Then I thought to myself, just start writing. So, here goes.

The name of the blog came from my drive to work about 2 months ago in College Station, TX. On the road, while being the cautious driver that I am, I was looking around and literally all around me were white pickup trucks (I counted 8). For those of you that don't know, I drive a yellow bug. It was a surreal moment where I was given this great metaphor for what I have been called to be. A touch of yellow in a sea of white: someone unique, someone that makes people wonder, and someone that doesn't hide behind the comfortable. Much of the time I do not know what that really means but this is my search, my journey, my life.