more of the same

I know, two in one hour. I can find anything to aid in my procrastination of doing just about anything. I clean, check my e-mail, Facebook, write this blog, run "errands". So here goes...

I'm trying to find a place to live come August when I move to Baltimore for a few months, be proactive if you will. By the way, if you haven't heard, I have an internship there. I know that I don't need to find anything for a while but I still can't help looking. I'm excited but nervous, too. I know it is only for 6 months but I've done very few things completely on my own. When I get nervous though, I have find something for my idol hands. I've been looking at Craigslist to get an idea for housing while there which makes me almost hyperventilate. Why would anyone enjoy searching for things on that website?

So, the control freak stops looking at Craigslist; gives life back to the procrastinator. The vicious cycle continues.

control freak

It's official. I'm finally admitting to being a control freak to the whole world but more importantly, to myself. I came to this understanding while in Colorado for a wedding. I love these two so much and I'm so happy that I got to spend the day with them! [Warning: if you were there, you might not want to read the following!]

However, the days after were not such a good time for me. Having the back-drop of CO helped. But, where no cell service meets 15+ people meets doing things together results in complete stress. I like to work on a time schedule and when others do not abide by that time scheduled, I'm not necessary the most fun to be around. Actually, I'm down-right rude, mean, and disrespectful. When we decide on leaving at 1:30, it means leaving at 1:30, not 1:33! Meeting at 9:00, means we are meeting at 9:00, not 9:20. I understand some amount of flexibility is needed in life. I'm Gumby when it comes to changing plans and doing something different. Just tell me; call me. When you are working on someone else's schedule (i.e. a wedding), you can't just show up late (well, maybe you can but you shouldn't). I guess the point in writing this entry is to say it's not you, it's me. I know that. But, please understand when I'm not happy when you show-up late. Please understand when I want you to commit to something. Please understand when I'm not enjoying myself after something above has happened.

I know I should have separated myself from the group this weekend but love being around others. I enjoy those conversations that just come up. We all have weaknesses that Christ magically works through us (Thankfully!). Just understand this is mine. Yours may be having no sense of organization. I try to be flexible with you, now will you please try to be flexible with me? This is a two way street and I'm not the only one who always has to compromise my personality to be apart of a group.

stagnancy

A friend and I were talking the other day about our lives. This was what came of that conversation:

Think about a stagnant pond. It is covered in slim and algae, fish don't survive, bacteria grows wild, animals can't drink out of it, and people can't swim it it (well, at least not the smart ones). It is useless. It is gross. But, with a fresh water source, even just a trickle, the introduction of movement and turnover can revitalize a pond.

That stagnant pond has become my life. I do the same things. I have no fresh water. Things are starting to die inside of me. I'm unpleasant to be around. I WANT some fresh water. I WANT someone to throw a rock in to move an motivate me. I WANT something new. I WANT to feel like I have purpose in this life. God, I NEED You to move; please show me Your grace and fill me with fresh water that only comes from You!

success:

What does success look like? Is it in:

The number of degrees I have?
The amount of letters that follow my name?
Being married?
Having kids?
The size of my paycheck?
Purchasing a house?
A job that others think is "cool"?
Having a new car?

I know that others have said it is cliche but these are what the world views as success. Not to say that any or all of these are bad on their own. Actually, they are wonderful. But maybe instead of looking at the end, maybe the process in getting there should hold more valuable. For example: it wasn't receiving the degree that was so great, it was the wonderful people and experiences that I had on the way.

The things and people that come along that we get to tell stories about are what make a life successful. Sharing memories, sharing life. What I accomplish in life pales in comparison to the journey I get to take to get there. The highlights are not nearly as important as the writing that is underneath. What will those words under the yellow be? What comprises my story?

mom's surprise 50th birthday party...going on a road trip with no plans...the third annual roommate reunion...sitting at a coffee shop contemplating these very things...being at home reading a book...watching an old movie...enjoying a picnic...

Those are the things I want to remember. The culmination of which I want to call success in my life.